Once A Addict, Always A Addict…

addiction-adult-black-and-white-1089423My husband has always been honest about his past.. Yes my husband is finally a clean addict.. Because lets face it once an addict always an addict.. I remember the 1st time I caught him.. I cried I screamed I just flipped out..

My older kids went to their fathers and I was 8 months pregnant… We decided to go to this little bar and play pool.. We came home and he left his door unlocked I walked in like I normally do… He starts trying to cover up the counter like he was trying to hide something.. Of course it made me even more curious.. This fool had crack and weed on the counter and was trying to roll up.. Weed I don’t care.. I instantly started crying and flipping out.. I didn’t know what to do.. This man that I loved was an addict and I didn’t know what to do… He promised that he would NEVER mess up again..

Fast forward to my son was born.. His father ran away right after I found out I was pregnant.. My now husband looked at my son and said he was his and no one could tell him different.. That day he signed my sons birth certificate and vowed he would never leave his side.. I truly believe that day is the day I fell completely in love with this man.. We ended up moving in with each other.. He was amazing father and companion.. He was also staying clean.. I couldn’t to anything but thank the lord for bring this man into my life..

A few months later my older kids were at their fathers and my mom watched the baby.. I was so excited finally we can have a date night with no kids.. We decided to go out to this birthday party.. We had so much fun maybe a little too much to drink.. We get home I’m changing my clothes he’s standing outside waiting on someone.. Thinking he’s waiting to get some weed.. But no he was waiting on the crack dealer.. He finally comes in and is in the bathroom.. I bust in and there he was trying to roll up… I flipped out again.. I grabbed it off my counter and flushed it down the toilet.. That was the first time my now husband ever called me a bitch and he pushed me into the bathtub.. I was so scared and still screaming and crying at him calling a crackhead.. I took off running out the house.. He went on the search to find more.. I snuck back in the house and sat in my closet crying and praying harder than I have ever prayed for anything.. I remember asking the lord to make the devil stop chasing this man.. To take the demon out of him and cure his addiction.. I knew at that time this is something we had to fight together or not be together.. The next day he apologized.. As I was thinking to myself I couldn’t accept this man’s apology he pushed me and called me a bitch and is a crackhead.. I told him I can’t have this in my life I have children either he stays clean and is completely honest with me or we can’t continue.. I have children I need to think about..

Over the next year was some of the hardest times.. We figured out what his triggers were and had some very highs and lows in our relationship.. It was either good or hell threw this.. I use to get on my knees and pray till I fell asleep everytime he decided to go out… But he was honest with me when he had those urges to smoke he told me.. I knew it was going to be a battle when the devil was chasing him.. Over the years his urges are becoming far in between.. Last time he had the urge was 4 years ago.. A friend of his passed away after being clean for years because his heart couldn’t take that 1 slip up.. That and the fact he hates me calling his a crackhead has kept him clean.. Yes I do believe he still gets those urges but I don’t think they are as strong to the point he wants to act on them.. Once a addict always a addict.. You just become a clean addict.. I think I have accepted the fact no matter what my husband will always be an addict……

The 1st time…

adults-barefoot-bed-1246960There were so many 1st out of the last 6 years. About 3 weeks into us talking this man finally made his 1st move.. Our 1st time was the most spin shivering experience of my life. It was as if he was made for me.. Our bodies fit together like no other and it made me fall for him even more.. It seems from that moment our life was on a fast track.. My kids still had no idea of this new adventure we was entering. All they knew was the neighbor and his granddaughter enjoyed coming down for cookouts and play dates…

Before I knew it it was December and the snow has hit the ground and he was so amazing.. Teaching my kids stuff their father refused to teach them like how to play football and how boys were supposed to go potty.. Treating my daughter like a princess and talking to the baby in my belly.. He always made sure we was OK no matter what.. Christmas came and we finally told the kids we were together. He came over for Christmas dinner and we told my family we was together.. At this time I didn’t know everything that was going to happen in the next few months that would take me on a roller coaster ride of emotions that would shape how our relationship would go…….

When we 1st meet…

adult-beautiful-birthday-935789At the time I was living in a duplex had 2 children ages 1 years old and 4 years old. I was also 6 months pregnant. Now when we meet I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Shit I was 6 months pregnant and dealing with the fact my baby wouldn’t have a father. That bastard ran away right before I found out I was pregnant. My now husband just moved into the building. Yeah I thought he was fine and flirted a little. We became friends fast even though our age difference. He was so easy to talk to and later on I found out he was just trying to get some pussy. He would try to make his passes and I remember reminding him 100 times a day I was pregnant. So I told him I won’t be a booty call if he really wanted me it would be in a relationship. I’m thinking to myself oh he’s going to run away as soon as I said that. Would you know this fool was at my house everynite with me watching movies and talking till the early morning as my kids were sleep. (Now I am a protective mother my kids only knew him as the neighbor.) I remember laughing when the sex scenes came on because he would fast foward them or turned his head. He just couldnt watch them with me. Those few weeks I felt like I could tell him all my secrets , stuff I’ve never told anyone. He told me everything about him , stuff you just don’t tell anyone. It was the 1st time I actually felt safe and comfortable with anyone. Even though both our past were all messed up it was like we was perfect and could understand each other and what we went threw. About 2 weeks of talking and watch movies he finally kissed me. I litterally melt my whole body had these amazing feelings going from the top of my head to the bottum of my feet. I’ve never been kissed and felt like this before…..